DISCLAIMER: This post is way too emotional and personal. I discourage reading if you're in a good mood.
Just last night I
was faced with a question of choosing where to live. The choices: the baby daddy's house or the
apartment we're currently living in.
This was supposed to be a nice thought actually. It's the other party's family who's offering
to stay in their big almost empty house.
I guess that's how it's supposed to work here in the Philippines when
you get knocked up before marriage.
Believe me, it was a
very good offer, especially now that we are more about saving up for the
delivery and the future of the baby.
Moving in their house would mean more money to save and somebody else to
do the house chores since there was house help available. It was such a good offer that I even dreamt
of how we were going to do the interior of our room and the baby's future room.
The baby daddy and I
started talking about our options. I
wanted him to decide 100% that he wanted to move back in their house with
me. I felt that he was still a bit iffy
about it and he said that he also wanted to consider my thoughts on it. I was honest that I liked the idea because of
its convenience, but I am afraid to go through with it since I don't like being
in a position where people could give you "sumbat". The sumbat part is a really bad Filipino
trait, however, I also thought that I would just have to get over it if I
wanted to save more for the baby. Also,
for whatever it is, this little munchkin inside of me is going to make it all
better.
Then, just today I
realized something. Like a soccer ball
from hell, reality hit me in the face… I wasn't just iffy about moving in
because I was afraid to hear "sumbat", but mostly it was because I
wanted to protect myself. Their house is
no longer my territory, no longer my comfort zone. I'm pretty sure I'd be confined inside the 4
walls of our would be room till the day I give birth. I would no longer be able to wear tops that
would show my tattoos, because I might and would be judged. Most of all, if we get into a really big
fight… (and from time to time we do!) where am I going to go? Especially now
that my current situation severed my ties with my family a bit.
Still, the pros of
moving back in to their house with him outweighs the cons…
But…
I can't protect
myself from getting hurt if I'm there.
Not being there is the only way I can protect myself from all the pain I
might face… or is that all in my mind?
Am I being selfish?
Gah. Told you this
was too personal.
hmmm moving is such a hard decision, I'm sort of facing it myself. hope it works out for you!!
ReplyDeletewww.samanthamariko.com
I hope it does. Thank you, Samantha!
DeleteI understand that you'd like to keep yourself from getting hurt, but sometimes we have to swallow it in for the greater good (greater good being savings for your little munchkin). I know the possibilities of everything not falling into place is crazy huge, but then again, just look at the bigger picture. Maybe once the baby's out and you've adjusted well, you won't find yourself hesitating too much. Don't feel so alone. If you need a breather, I know I'm just an online friend (acquaintance!!!) but I'd totally hang out with you for a quick chat or whatnot. :)
ReplyDeleteDon't worry a lot. I know moving together is something big, but then again, so is having a baby. :) I hope you'll find a way to make things meet soon. Good luck!
Aww.... this is so sweet. Really made me smile and helped me straighten out my thinking a bit! Thank you!
Delete