Abusive Relationship: Signs, Accepting, Getting Out & Starting Over
May 21, 2018 • Life Lately, Thoughts
Got your attention with "abusive relationship", didn't I? Anyway, before you go ahead and read this post, please be aware that this is not based on scientific or psychological facts. These are all based on MY personal experience.
I may be a psych graduate, but believe me, there are no theories or medical explanations here. We can't psychologize ourselves after all. These are just plain experiences and how I accepted them, got out of it and how I am trying to start over again.
First things first, let me just get this out --- ONCE physical assault/violence happens, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. No matter what the excuse is --- drunk, sudden burst of emotions, etc. --- it doesn't matter. If it happened once, it will happen again. As our elders say, pag minsan ka ng sinaktan, mauulit at mauulit yan.
---
1) Overly and Unreasonably Jealous. Of course, at the start of the relationship, this is something you'd consider cute and kilig. You know those times when you'd actually look forward to him being jealous because you think he's just protective of you? What if that jealousy turns into an everyday thing? Turns into him being psycho and checking your phone, laptop, social media accounts, etc? Still cute? Cute, but pyscho.
This was a major red flag, I don't know why I still stayed. Yeah, I know, because I love him. And how did I cope? I did the same. I also turned psycho and started checking all his social media accounts, etc. Lo and behold, the reason why he's checking up on mine is that he wanted to make sure I wasn't cheating on facebook or twitter like HE WAS!
If this happened to you, please do yourself a favor, LEAVE. But of course, we love the person, don't we?
I still stayed. I still believed he will change, but in the long run it was me who changed. Changed my number, changed my facebook accounts, changed my routine, changed the way I talk, dress, think. Changed everything according to his liking. Changed everything without knowing that I was slowly losing myself in the process.
2) Making you choose between him and something else. I was once granted a work-related knowledge transfer opportunity in Australia. I went through panel interviews and was able to get a slot (1/8) out of the 100+ that I applied. YEY! BUT, since I was madly in love with this person whom I thought was my life, I declined. Pag umalis daw ako, wala na siya pagbalik ko. ---- To the one reading this, okay, you can judge me all you want now.
I was offered a dream job from a large telecommunications company, I declined.
I was offered a job from a very very good advertising company, I declined.
I was offered several project-based events for good brands, I declined.
I kept on declining good offers, because it was alsway a choice between him and the opportunity. Then somewhere along the way, it escalated to me choosing between him and friends, him and personal happines, and worst of all, him and my family.
However, this sign is particularly tricky. It wasn't always an outright type of choosing. It wasn't a straight up "ako o sila/iyan", but it was more of a making you feel guilty type of thing. This person knew me too well that he knows how to use the big guns. If there is one thing I hate the most, it's feeling guilty. Instead of having that feeling, I'd just give up and decline. Instead of having an argument --- which I got really tired of after 6 years of numerous heated arguments --- I'd just give up.
The worst part --- I shouldn't even feel guilty in the first place. You owe it to yourself to do good with your career and life choices. Don't let other people make you think otherwise. If he's making you choose (and he doesn't know how to compromise), start thinking about your relationship.
3) Starts Making Choices For You. During the first 2 years of my relationship, I'd still voice out my choices and opinions. It would always result to an argument, which I eventually got tired of. After such time, I just lost the will to fight for my choices and just allowed him to make the choices for me. From clothes, to what I eat, friends, jobs I do, social media posting and everything else. During our third year together, he made up his mind that he wanted us to live together. I declined and told him we can't but he was very adamant about it, the reason being he doesn't trust me living in our house since all of my cousins and brothers friends (who are mostly boys) stay at the house too much. Imagine that?
I remember that this was one of the very few things I fought for. I knew that this was going to put a big gap between me and my family. Until I lost to him, again. At this point, it wasn't just about "kung mahal mo ko..." or "I will do this because I love you". It already involved emotional torture and blackmailing. Now, if that isn't a major red flag, I don't know what is. One day, I woke up and he was already talking to my family, telling them that he's taking me out because "labas pasok po kasi kung sino sinong kaibigan na lalaki nila dito sa bahay niyo" --- Imagine my Ninang's face when she heard that.
From that point on, I don't remember making choices without having to consult him.
Ladies, what I did here was just wrong in all aspects. It was hard to get out of the relationship at that time because of all the emotional blackmailing and torture, but believe me when I say that IT WILL PASS. Have I had the chance to turn back time, I would decline HARD and called the women's desk if he still pushed.
4) Everyday is just a Routine. That feeling when you wake up and everything just becomes a routine? Nothing is spontaneous and exciting anymore. You don't feel anything either. No love, no anticipation, no nothing. If there was any emotion present, it was just fear. Fear that he wouldn't like what I wear to work today, fear that today's menu might not be to his liking, fear that I would be home an hour late because of my deadlines.
Fear, fear about everything that you do. Fear that, should he not like anything you did today, he might get violent...
Which brings me to the last and MOST OBVIOUS SIGN OF ALL...
5) Physical Violence. Sinaktan ka? Honey, that is your first (and SHOULD be your ONLY) sign. Though, I didn't take notice of that, of course. Unfortunately for me, I held on to the idea of forgiveness and the promise of "it will never happen again". Don't get me wrong, some people do change, but as a person I believe our gut will tell us if a certain person is bound to change or not. I already knew his violent streak wasn't going to change. It happened first on our second year together. A fist on the face, then a few times after that (which includes a kick and a punch out of the cab), twice when I was pregnant and one more big blow which finally made me leave.
I have a scar on my face which will remind me of my kagagahan for the rest of my life. It's not a good feeling. Don't let yourself sink in that black hole. First thing I should've done was seek help. If you feel that you're suffering the battered wife syndrome, talk to someone. Talk to your family. Call the women's desk. Call someone.
Physically hurting someone is never okay. Same with emotionally and mentally hurting someone. It's all the same. It changes you and it scars you forever. If you ever feel like you don't know yourself anymore, it's time to leave.
HOW TO START AGAIN?
I've realized the signs, accepted that it's never going to be fixed and I finally got out of that sinkhole. That's just the first part, starting over again is a whole different story. I'm still trying to find the answer to that question, to be honest. I think that's probably the reason why I am writing this. It's been three months since it happened, and it's just now that I finally had the courage to share this.
I think what I am trying to do now is re-focus. Focusing my attention on the things that matter, first of which is my daughter. I may have had a really bad relationship, but I would have to admit that there was one good thing about it, and that is my little princess. She might be a splitting image of the dad, but she will forever be the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Second, bringing back the lost pieces of myself. The past few months has been about work, fixing my portfolio, the blog and most importantly, my relationship with my family and friends. Slowly, I've been trying to pick up the aspects of my life that make me, ME.
After being in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for years, trying to know yourself again can be quite challenging. Believe it or not, it amazed me how much I have forgotten about myself and how much catching up I need to do. BUT, despite that, I just make sure that I try to enjoy the process.
I know this is not a heart-wrenching post. If any, I think most parts sounds sarcastic and as if it didn't affect me. That's just me, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Remember, physical abuse leaves marks that heal in time, mental & emotional abuse, on the other hand, leaves a far deeper scar in your mind and soul.
Remember, SEEK HELP. Do not face this alone.
--
Also, sharing this post my best friend shared with me (#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou):
I know this is not a heart-wrenching post. If any, I think most parts sounds sarcastic and as if it didn't affect me. That's just me, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Remember, physical abuse leaves marks that heal in time, mental & emotional abuse, on the other hand, leaves a far deeper scar in your mind and soul.
Remember, SEEK HELP. Do not face this alone.
--
Also, sharing this post my best friend shared with me (#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou):
I knowwwwwwww that this is a super late post, but I just have to. I mean, my blog is named "tick tock, its locked" after all. Hihi.
So yeah, I went to the Lany Live In Manila Concert (Day 1) with (and sponsored) by the soul sister, Gab (who btw, is an Event, Props and Set Stylist -- shameless plug -- check her page)
It was the first time in a very long time that I went to a concert. It's been more than 6 years since I last went to one, so I was very excited. Plus, how can you not be excited to see Paul Klein in person? <3 But first, lemme share le OOTD that day
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| Black Sleeveless Maxi Dress w/ Slit - Zalora | Denim Jacket - Thrift Find | Casio Watch from Lazada | Vans |
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| Favorite part of the show --- Paul singing Hericane and crying while singing "And I love you still, i always will..." |
Sadly, I only caught the last few second of Paul going all emo. This moment just made me love him even more. Huhu! Dua, why you do this to Paul?
Were you there too? What was your favorite part of the show?
Also, you might want to check this article from RoundUp.PH --- something Paul did right after the show!
Dear You... Love, Me | Vol. 2 | Frances Avery
May 20, 2018 • Dear Frances Avery, Dear You Love Me, Momma Diaries
Dear Frances Avery,
It's been 3 months since we started with your Occupational Therapy sessions. Your teacher says that you've been improving and that you've been following instructions well during your sessions. Though, your teacher noticed that you get a little impatient with some activities and gets distracted easily. Wonder who you got that from? Hmmm.
You haven't spoken to your teacher yet, just always showing gestures and pointing. However, I did tell your teacher that you're actually very noisy at home. Sometimes with clear words like "dede" "Tiyo D" "Nanan" "Mama" "Coco" "Ouch", most times just mumbling gibberish and shouting. He says that's a good thing. So, we will continue whatever it is that we're doing at home, okay? More bedtime stories and more singing!
It's also been 3 months since we moved out. We stayed at your Mamita's place for almost 2 months and now we're just settling in at the new house with your Tiyo D, Nanan and Tito Kekel. You wake up at 7 to 8 AM in the morning everyday, you give me a kiss and go straight to your Nanan's Room.
Out of all the kids that live in our place, you are most often than not, the noisiest. You shout at the top of your lungs when you play with Sari and you always try to get Punky's attention.
We also got your damaged front teeth pulled out and had flouride varnish! You were so brave at the dentist, my darling princess. The dental aide at the clinic said that a 6-year-old cried more than you did! Well, you did always have a high pain tolerance, which always scares me because when you cry of pain, I know that it's actually VERY painful.
You've been extra clingy too, the past few days. You've been giving me and everyone in the house more hugs and kisses that you usually do. I'm not sure if you're feeling the tension and problems that have been occurring in the family lately, but know this my darling princess --- YOU ARE OUR SUNSHINE. You literally make us happy... when skies are gray :)
Just leave the problems to Mommy and continue to be that little ray of sunshine to me, to us. I love you, my darling.
~~~
This open letter does not wish to accomplish anything. This is merely a series created by Alex Carpio for www.ticktockitslocked.com and for her peace of mind.
~
Want to do the "Dear You... Love, Me Series", too? Don't forget to link up to this blog and share 'em with me too!
Everybody (and we mean everybody) wanted to get their hands on some of that sweet, sweet 90s look when Bruno Mars and Cardi B lit up the stage for the 2018 Grammys. We don't blame you, though.
What makes the style crazy good isn't just because it's vibrant, colorful, and two of the best artists in the hip hop industry are wearing it, but because it pays homage to a classic 90s show: In Living Color.
Starring Jamie Foxx, Marlon Wayans, Jennifer Lopez, and Jim Carrey, Mars tweeted once before that it was one of his all-time favorite shows growing up—and who can blame him?
In fact, Mars loved the show so much that his ode to the show stretched beyond the fabric. Finesse was shot in the then-standard 4:3 ratio, instead of today's widely used 16:9 (widescreen). And if we haven't mentioned it yet, Cardi B also jumped in on the trend with her own look to compliment the performance:
Fortunately for us, much of the style during the 90s is making a huge comeback, and the supply & demand is holding. So if you're looking to start dripping in finesse, you've come to the right place! We've rounded up a few places where you can score your very own version of that living color fashion. And the best part? These shops won't break the bank.
Before we start going ham on the "add to cart" buttons on our trusty shops, let's go over the basics first: For the gents, Bruno Mars:
And for the ladies, Cardi B:
Now that you're all set and have taken these pointers from the masters themselves, let's take a look at where we'll be stopping and shopping.
Striped shirts: 90s Kids PH
90s Kids PH sells a respectable line of good quality striped t-shirts, ringer t's, and boyfriend shirts. Prices range from ₱150 to ₱400 depending on the type of shirt, and they do shipping and meet-ups! To see more of their designs, prices, and sizing, check out their Instagram and Shopee page. They also have a sunnies and specs shop where you can get your own 90s colored lens glasses.
Printed long sleeves and crewnecks: Poly Toly Owie
PolyTolyOwie is jam-packed with 90s designs. These guys sell custom t-shirts, tie dyes, crewnecks, and hoodies that range from ₱250 to ₱800 depending on your design and type of shirt. You can check out this Instagram page for orders and this one for designs and sizes. They also have a Facebook page, Viber (+63 906 804 6954), and SMS (+639565748808) if you want to talk to them about shipping.
Gold chains and hoop earrings: MNL Gold
MNG Gold sells all sorts of gold jewelry, from basic chains to necklaces with intricate designs, as well as rings, bracelets, and earrings. Keep yourself loaded since this'll be the most expensive part in the 90s fashion as prices start around ₱800 and can go well over ₱1,000. Follow their Instagram page and send them a DM or reach them through Viber (+63 915 662 5974) for inquiries and orders. They accept deposits at BDO, BPI, and can also do money remittance and cash on delivery. *Bling bling*
Caps and bucket hats: Reckless Few PH
Reckless Few PH has quite a few options you might want, so take a look at their Instagram page and see what hey have to offer. Price varies between products, but it's safe to say that it's around the ₱300~₱350 range, so take a look around and see what matches your style! If you want to see the designs yourself, head on over to Empire Maginhawa to see the store, or message them on Viber/SMS (+63 917 112 7311) for orders or inquiries.
Crop tops: COPPER
Shopcopper is every girl's one stop shop. With new arrivals that come by almost weekly, this online store stocks up on a wide selection of clothes. Still based on the 90s fashion trend, you'll find retro pieces ranging from crop tops and denims to leather jackets and plaid shirts—and a lot more! For more ideas on their designs, head on over to their Instagram page, and then to their website to see the prices. Prices range from ₱400~₱1,300, so save up if you want to get the (really) good stuff!
Jackets, windbreakers, and button downs: Retrograde PH
Boys, you better line yourselves up for this one. Retrograde PH is the absolute place to be to get anything from the southern Chicago's fashion to the windy city of Miami's floral print designs. If you take a quick visit to their Instagram page, you'll see that their items range from button down short-sleeved shirts to authentic couture merch—but for a price. Floral print button downs start at ₱550 a piece, but if you want to score those sweet Prada Windbreakers and Tommy Hilfiger originals, you'll have to start bidding. Some even go up as far as ₱3,800 for a deal! So for this one, save up if you want to score those American dreams.
High socks: Sockhouse MNL
The name speaks for itself! Sockhouse MNL is the place to be for all things under your feet. They sell all different kinds of designs for socks, and we're sure that there's at least one pair here to fit your 90s needs. Be patient with their Instagram page, though, because it's private and Sockhouse takes a while to accept follow requests. However, if you're keen on checking out most of their designs for yourself, they have several physical stores around Quezon City and Pasay.
So what are you waiting for? It's time to go shopping!
*This [original] article was originally published in RoundUp.PH
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